British (preschool) Invasion

My preschool keeps “daycare” hours because it’s a Reggio-inspired school…this means school in the summer…it’s fun though, because each week is themed out like summer camp.
This week is ‘Globetrotters’ and the country we’ve chosen is the UK.

The Anglophile in me is squealing and clapping like a little girl!

This morning discussed why Great Britain has so many names and that the flag is called the Union Jack. We looked at photos of Her Majesty, Big Ben, and of course, the iconic red double decker buses.
I’m teaching them a bit of British slang, (Only age appropriate things like. ‘loo and ‘telly’.) and introducing them to a musical genre called Punk. (Though not enough to have to explain anarchy…)
I’m wearing my Union Jack Chucks all week!

At our ‘Parade of Nations’ on Friday, my friends will be “riding” in the double decker bus they’ll make this week.

Some days I know my co-teacher and I have more fun than our students…this week will be five of those days! Though, one of our little friends, in a fairly decent English accent said: Excuse me sir, could I please use the loo?
(I’m already “chuffed”!)

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normal = positive…who knew?

Taurus horoscope for Jul 4 2014
You have found a new path to controlling and uplifting your emotions. It is evident to those around you who know you well, and it is a joyful sign. Now that you are beginning to feel transcendent above the difficulties, you are feeling more powerful too – because you have empowered yourself through optimism. You can expect many things in your life that were formerly challenging to become much easier. And since your spirit is lighter and you are more yourself, you will find that wonderful people and circumstances will gravitate to you.

Interestingly enough, I have experienced these feelings in the last week or so…by shedding the veil of grief I began to feel ‘normal’ but it’s more than that.
I do feel uplifted and powerful…and strangely optimistic.
I already have wonderful people around me so perhaps the circumstances will follow.

Normal = positive.
Who knew?

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pretty great Robybird week

I took the day off to do estate stuff…which included me going to the antique coin shop, an antique shop and going to the bank.
As it turns out, the coins Daddie had are pretty much worthless above face value. Some of the old dimes are worth about a dollar and ten cents and the Kennedy half dollars are worth about two dollars because of the silver content. (Um, OK…thanks.)
The girl at the antique shop told me they do buy silverware and handmade lace, the owner wasn’t in the shop today, and she does the buying, but I can call her and set up a time to come in if I’d like. (Super…thanks.)
The bank was a bit more successful, but not exactly what I was expecting.
I’m so over “estate stuff” I could scream.
My brother, who complains he’s three thousand miles from home and miserable, is selling off all my Dad’s woodshop and mechanic tools and using the money to buy heroin. (Awesome.) Then he’s up my ass about what I am and am not getting done. (Oh I’m sorry, does the fact I work full time keep me from getting stuff done and that displeases you? Well too damn bad for you. Go back from whence you came…I’m sure I can handle this without your input.)
Of course he can’t go back to the west coast because he hasn’t any money…so I’m stuck with him and his crap attitude. I believe he expects a big payday when all is said and done…well that’s not going to happen.
It’s OK because I’m going about my business and doing what needs to be done for my life and the estate. I’ve spent forty one years worrying about him and I think it’s time for me to stop. It’s hard though, because I can’t just say: I’m going to need for you to get it together. He hasn’t gotten it together in forty one years…and that’s his issue not mine, it’s just easier for me to ignore it when he’s there and not here.

On a more positive note, I’m feeling really great about my new classroom at school and I’m absolutely mad about my co-teacher. She and I work beautifully together! We have similar points of view but come at things from different places, so we compliment each other well. She came from a four year old class and I came from a two year old class, so we’re meeting in the middle with these three year olds. I know where they’re coming from and she knows where they’re headed and we are successfully combining our know how to make a great classroom. I’m so pleased with the progress we’ve made in two short weeks. It makes me love being a preschool teacher again.

I’m going to watch a bit of Baltimore baseball…my Nationals are having a respite tonight after kicking the asses of the Rockies three times this week. I love that I’ve helped YBW learn to like baseball…even if the heat was unbearable Tuesday night, I got my Nats blankie and I was happy. YBW said, I don’t normally like to sweat this much unless there are orgasms involved. I just cackled and folks looked at us but I didn’t care, I was with my own precious darling watching my favorite game. And we won!
What a great Robynbird week!

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‘normal’ again

Today was the first day I felt ‘normal’ since the day my dad died. It was interesting to me, because YBW and I were sitting on the sofa and being goofy, kind of tickling and giggling and snuggling in front of the TV and in that moment I felt it. I felt ‘normal’…like myself. I was lying half across YBW I looked up and, a bit choked up, I said: I feel normal today, thank you.

I was asked how I was doing Wednesday by a friend who was over for dinner. I said: I’m so damn tired. I’ve been tired since the beginning of May. I don’t know if it is grief or depression or I’m just tired, but I’m sick half to death of it.
He understood. (He’s the dad of my little student who’s mother died in March.)

Today, I don’t feel tired. I feel like myself again.
I’m savvy enough to realize I’ll feel that particular kind of tired again, but I trust the ‘normal’ is here to stay.

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if wishes were horses, beggars could ride

Yesterday was hard and I felt quiet. YBW celebrated with Thing C and Thing G and we went to his nephew’s graduation party. I was quiet, I drank water and ate a tiny spoonful of banana pudding. We went home and watched a movie all snuggled together on the sofa before the boys went back home to their mom’s. (It’s her week.)
When the boys left, YBW hugged me and asked was I sad, was I thinking about my dad. No, not sad, no, not really thinking about my dad in the context of Father’s Day…I can’t stop thinking about him…about the mess he left behind…about how much work it is to clean it up and how much I don’t want to clean it up.

I got home from school right about 4:00 on Friday, went upstairs, took off my shoes, then my britches and before I could put on new ones, I fell asleep on my bed. YBW came home (I don’t know what time it was.) and checked to see if I wanted to get up. I tried and couldn’t…I just kept sleeping. He came back a few hours later asking if I wanted dinner. No thank you, and back to sleep. I got up at 8:00 and got a drink of water pulled my jammies on and went back to bed. I slept straight through till 8:00 Saturday morning.
I just want to stay in my bed all the time.

This is my last week in my classroom…I move to a new classroom in a different age-group next week…I came here and completely salvaged the two year old program and now have been asked to do the same for the three year old program. So when I clean up this mess…will I have salvaged myself out of a job?
There is a part of me that is eager to get it underway, the transformation of space and ‘wrangling’ of children, creating a sense of community…a classroom family if you will.
YBW told me it’s what I do best, organize and restructure and make it run smoothly…he says I like to see the progress. He’s right. I’m just not sure now is the best time…
What I do know is this: I’ll be successful and satisfied.

Sundance and I are currently texting, asking how the other is we each respond with: ‘Same as it ever was.’ I then wrote: ‘I’m so sick of same as it ever was. Yet I dread change.’ (I’m going to need for you to get it together, Robynbird.)

Today is the first day of a thirty day cleanse…my body has suffered my indifference long enough and needs to be taken good care of. I spent a goodly bit of money without much thought…but it felt right when I considered it. It’s not about weight as much as my health and way my clothes fit…this is about losing inches as well as weight…bring on the inches! (Well, take away the inches, but you know what I mean.)

My dad used to say: If wishes were horses, beggars could ride.

That’s cool, Daddie, but I’m going to wish and ride and eventually feel better in the process. Perhaps the cleansing of my body will somehow promote the cleansing of my soul?

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executrix…may I have another word please?

I found out this week that my dad’s ex-wife (not my mom) is the beneficiary on his life insurance through the police department.
(Would you like to see a container for my joy? Envision a teeny salt cellar spoon…only teenier…nope, still teenier…yes…right about there!)

I have read I can challenge the beneficiary but will need counsel. My cousin has hooked me up with someone she knows…but I have to pay $200 just to meet this woman. And I’m concerned that the ex wife will sue me for a copy of the death certificate…and win.
I would have that money sit and rot before I’d let her have it…so I need to decide how to move forward.

My brother is convinced there is “mortgage insurance” a policy somewhere that will pay the balance of the mortgage on our dad’s house so we can sell it free and clear…so far, I’ve found no evidence…but a close friend of Daddie’s has offered to purchase the house at fair market value, so we are leaning that direction…it would cover the mortgage as well as leave a bit of money for each of our pockets.
I’m inclined to put mine away for Things 1 and 2…but my brother wants me to be in a safer vehicle…mine isn’t unsafe, it’s just made by a manufacturer he doesn’t like.

I’m beginning to dislike the word executrix…specifically because it’s a new “label” for me…I don’t want the responsibility…the hassle…any of it really.
I am taking up the mantle because it was asked of me by my Daddie, he trusted me enough to be the responsible one…
He told me once he was sad I wasn’t his mommy…that I was such a wonderful mommy and he wished sometimes I could have been his mommy and he would know how well he was loved by the way I cared for him.
I’m not his mommy, but I can take care of these last things for him because he was well loved.
That’s what good daughters do.

Categories: loss, love, me, parenting | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

the night before our stars

Thing C is a fan of John Green, from Vlog Brothers to TFIOS…and last night, Thing C, YBW and I went to “The Night Before Our Stars” a special screening of the movie followed by a live Q and A with the cast, producer, director, and John Green hosted by my own ‘nerd-sexy’ crush Alton Brown. (They were in Atlanta.)

Thing C read the book in the fall, and it’s been sitting on my desk since February waiting for me to read it…there it sits, I just haven’t been able to give it the time and attention I feel it deserves.

We sat in the theater with countless tween and teen fangirls and their parents. It reminded me of when Thing 1 and I went to see any of the Twilight movies. (I know, I know…but she liked the first three books and I loved being able to do something she loved.)

I teased Thing C that he was the oldest fangirl in the room. (He wore it with pride.)

During the film, (Which, BTW, has the perfect amount of sadness.) I heard a chorus of sniffling, but there was one girl who was full on weeping…I mean old-time Irish hired mourners weeping. Then came the derisive sounds, I shot Thing C a look and he nodded before quietly whispering: that girl needs to PTFD. (‘Pipe the fuck down’, thank you, Jenna Marbles.)

Fangirl remarks aside…I adored the movie. I thought it was absolutely beautiful. The Q and A was fun. That John Green is an interesting guy…overly chatty and funny, yet completely humbled by everything that has come of and from his book.

I’m so pleased we could do that together, YBW, his firstborn and I. The experience was more meaningful than the movie itself, as it should be.

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I’m going to need for you to get it together!

The month of May was absolute crap. My favorite of all the months…my birthday birthday month…absolute crap. Not that I want a “do-over” or anything…more along the lines of telling May 2014 to F.R.O.

That said, there was a good part of May…Things 1 and 2 were with me at the same time for the first time in well over a year. I was so glad to have them with me. Thing 2 for such a long time and Thing 1 when we needed to be with the other most.

Now my two Things have gone on…Thing 1 back on the road with N a week ago Wednesday. Thing 2 left on Friday home to her dad’s to celebrate all the summer birthdays of her friends.
Thing C and Thing G left Friday for their week at home with mom and it’s just YBW and me.

Know what we did?
No! Naughties!

We slept. We slept a LOT! I knew how exhausted I was, but the amount of time I spent sleeping this weekend really put it into perspective.

I could not have survived the last month without the love and support of my family and friends, especially Sundance and YBW.
Sundance supplied the xanax and sass I desperately needed. My love for her knows no bounds and my life would be less if she were not a part of it.
I think YBW was just as exhausted as I was, but never wavered, he was so strong for me. Bless him, that precious man I love.

It’s June now. Time to get it together. I’m chock full of things to accomplish this month, for “the estate”, for my classroom school, for my own school, for my family, and for me.
I am filled with willingness…desire, not so much. But I learned a long time ago, “feelings follow actions” so I’m going to act as though I’m getting it together and soon after I’ll feel like I actually am.
As I say to my little students, “I’m going to need for you to get it together.”
Getting it together is going to feel good.

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what the praline started

This morning one of the little students in the other two year old class brought me a praline from New Orleans. How kind of her family to think of me, she was very excited to make sure I got it. Precious!

I realized two things when I ate it after lunch…
The first is: it isn’t as yummy as the ones they make on Market Street in Charleston.
The second is: I miss Charleston… which makes me miss my beloved sister in law and her family, and my dearest friend and mentor.

Charleston is a place I dearly love…mostly because of the time I’ve spent there with people I love…

Thank you, little student for the (not delicious) praline and the wonderful memories it stirred up. I’m smiling about all my wonderful Charleston adventures, and a little bit of extra loving the people I love who live there.

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people weary

I’m so people weary.

I’m tired of all the people around my house and some of these people are my children.
I want to be alone and quiet. I don’t want to have to be carrying on conversations or concerning myself with what everyone wants to eat.

We’re having people over today…in addition to our four children and Thing 1’s finace…YBW’s brother and his wife, Sundance and Girlie Thing and Boy Thing, and my brother…I love each of these people with the entirety of my heart, but I just don’t have it in me to be around people. I just want to be quiet.

I kind of want to just be alone with YBW but I don’t want him to get worn out of me. I could be alone with Sundance because we can be quiet together and I’ll feel safe.

I don’t want to go back to school tomorrow. I want to be at home where it’s quiet. I don’t really want to ever go back to school.

I don’t want to keep thinking, ‘is today over yet?’ while at the same time not wanting the tomorrows to come.

I’m exhausted. I want to be selfish and take to my bed.

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